STAR WARS EPISODE 2394457XB The Lost Chapter
by Xin Hueng
Summary: This is purely for gits and shiggles. Yoda is so totally OOC. R&R if you feel like it. From an older account belonging to a hacked email. OHSNAP, REPOST!
1. Chapter 1

_/This story is pure crack induced retardism. Everyone except Yoda is an OC and therefor copyright to their creator. Me and Rei. Oh gods, forgive me./_

**IN A GALAXY KINDA REALLY FARISH FROM THIS AREA OF SPACE**

_Where's the real narrator? I can't do this on my own! I mean, what the hell is this space for? What? A plot? BUT THERE IS NO PLOT! Uh! Er… forget I said that!_

The Grim Jedi. Not a very original name, but it suits the particular Jedi knight we'll be following. Taiin Rei (our intrepid and sulky bish of an anti-hero; TAKE THAT ANAKIN) and his padawan(ker) Sil (our only sliiiiightly focked in tha head sidekick who makes the coffee) must… uh… fight the Sith? Yeah! Fight the Sith in an attempt to save the planet…Gogoma? Nononono… uh… Domathe! They must save the inhabitants of Domathe from TEH DARK SIIIIIIIDE. Darth Billy-Joe-Bob is evil! And is Sith! And uh… y'know… corrupted! HE EATS WOOKIES FO' BREAKFAST FOOLS! And shags sheep. All fear the wool sodomizing inbred bastage that is the RED-NECKED DOOM.

We join the story with our not-quite-so-cute-and-cuddly Jedi Reaper currently being dragged out of solitude by Master Yoda. The two rather uh… 'unique' Jedi are meeting in a private location where a carefully concealed Jedi temple has been maintained. Or something like that. But it's either a temple or a bar on Nar-Shaada, and frankly I don't think Yoda likes the Rodian version of Jack Daniels.

ON WITH TEH STORY!

The oh so sullen and badass (and clichéd) hero sunk into the squishy confines of what appeared to be a large inflatable chair, filled with some form of transparent red gel. It was comfy enough, and normally would have been a pleasant enough seat; unfortunately, swimming in a disturbingly leech-esque way, were what appeared to be… well, leeches. Little black and brown ones to be exact. Little black and brown ones that seemed to be attracted to his body heat and flocked to the thin barrier that separated their little biting noses from his butt. He noted rather bitterly that the shriveled green prune of a Jedi Master across from him was sitting in a similar chair, although it was blue and lacked invertebrate life. He did not, however, lack a god-damned smug smile on his midget face.

"Got the good chair, I did."

Rei muttered something under his breath. Which really could have been "Hello, there", or "Yo, Yoda" or even "...Oh, you wrinkly green whore." or perhaps "Damn bastardous raisin mutant." It didn't really matter, since it seemed Yoda didn't hear him. Or just didn't care. Hell, he was what, over 900 years old? The dude'd probably heard worse from his own ma.

"Wondering why I called you here, you are." He grunted, sounding like a broken muppet toy. Or a wookie passing wind.

"Mm." Not really a yes or a no, it seemed Rei was more interested in the pole of his oh-so-uber-badarse, personally designed, custom made, one of a kind lightscythe. Because normal lightsabers were for wankers. Really folks, he's not compensating for anything. Nuh-uh. Totally not. We think. In reality it's a scythe because of the tactical advantage of reach. And it was more efficient when zipping around on his stolen then re-vamped sith speeder. You should see the high-speed decapitations. 'ZOOOOOM-SWACK!'

"Time for you to take a padawan, it is."

"Not this crap again… Master Yoda, I really don't need a padawan."

"Giving you a choice, you think I am?"

"Look, you said yourself I wasn't a model Jedi-"

A grimy looking three-fingered hand was waved dismissively, silencing his protests. "Excuses, you will stop giving. A padawan, you must take."

"...But I'm like, on the borderline of Darkness!" Rei pointed out.

"Such a will, such power, rarely is found." The alien countered, driving home a legitimate point.

"...You're one stubborn ASS, Yoda"

"Know this, I do" Yoda smiled, ears wiggling at the sides of his football shaped head. Coincidentally, Rei was just then concidering punting said head.

The jedi grumbled, flicking away a leech that had somehow gotten outside of the chair. It landed a few meters away on the floor with a satisfying splat and promptly spontaneously combusted. "...Fine, but in exchange, you must give me the cup of ETERNAL TEA."

"Drive a hard bargain, you do. But it shall be done."

"Alright, so who's my buttmonkey. I mean padawan?" Rei sighed, getting rather fed-up with the wrinkly toad.


	2. Chapter 2

Teehee. Yes, random lady who reviewed (at least I'm assuming you're female...the whole 'fairy' thing and whatnot), this is a thing made between me and aguy who have way too much time on our hands and access to IM'ing systems. Why post it publicly? Because is the perfect place to post this crap. And it was either retarded stuff like this, or Inuyasha yaoi twincest shota. :( Buttsex messed poor Inu-chan up for life, don'tcha know. The internet is for porn and silly fanfics!

**STILL IN A GALAXY KINDA REALLY FARISH FROM THIS AREA OF SPACE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH FOR A QUICK STOP AT THE 7-ELEVEN FOR SLURPEES AND NACHOS**

_Why isn't the narrator here yet! I can't be left alone with these people! I don't know what the hell I'm dooooing…!_

What sidled into view could hardly be called an attractive prospect for a Jedi knight; barely four feet in height, it had lime green fur and black 'panda' markings visible over what parts of the body not concealed by the overly large robes. It sorta looked like the result of a three-way between an ewok, a troll doll, and a can of mountain dew. The fact that it was carrying a six-pack of said soft-drink really didn't help, but then again neither did the stupid grin on its stupid face that made it look even more _stupid_.

And yes, because I'm the narrator I'm going to throw stupid in here a few more times. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID **STUPID**!… Yeah, I'm done now… Back to the point!

It turns out Yoda _did_ like the Rodian version of Jack Daniels, and had been all too willing to share, for it was this alcohol that our hero splorched all over the front of his cliché black robes. (Heheh… splorched is a fun word; both to say and to type!).

"What is that… that _thing!_" To be quite honest, his first instinct was to beat the fuzzy bugger with a rolled up newspaper.

"Your Padawan, it is." Yoda hiccupped, pouring himself another glass from what appeared to be a bottomless supply of booze. By now the prunes face was flushed from the large quantity of liquor he'd consumed while waiting for the critter to show up, and as any good art student knows, red plus green equals the sickest shade of brown you will EVER see. Seriously, it's like _cat turd_ color.

"You've got to be kidding me…"

"This one or a rock shaped like a heart, it was."

"Does it even speak?" Rei suddenly found himself developing an urge to see how far he could kick the wrinkly green bastage of a Jedi Master. His current estimation was 30 yards, more with a tail wind.

"Coffee, it does make." Yoda responded with a shrug, then promptly fell off his chair and began to snore. FYI, tiny people tend to have low tolerances for booze. Especially the Rodian kind.

"…Good enough." The rock probably didn't know how to work a bean-grinder anyways. And you needed opposable digits to fry Bantha bacon. He assumed the green-thing had thumbs.

And so we exit this scene with our anti-hero dragging off his new apprentice, who still has yet to utter a sound and seems quite happy to stuff its face with what appear to be Ruffles All-Dressed potato chips. Mmm, Ruffles…


End file.
